The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe
by Kittey Rin
Summary: Welcome to the all amazing life of Billy Bob Joe, the not-so-punctual hero. Read as the narrator goes through the story and find out just what Billy is looking for as insanity ensues. Written by a friend, posted by me. Be kind, please review!
1. Episode 1: The Narrator Begins the Story

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode One: the Narrator Starts the Story

_This story does not begin once upon a time. As our hero is always late, the story cannot be on time; up down or otherwise. Our not-so-punctual hero's name was Billy Bob Joe, because our author lacks the imagination to come up with a better one._

Said author appears beside the narrator.

"I am not!" said the author. She goes into the corner, crouches down facing the wall, and starts muttering.

"No appreciation…I work hard to create it and this is how it thanks me…"

The narrator glances uncertainly back at her.

_Err…Billy Bob Joe was really a prince who's full name was William-_

A red haired chibi in a pink shirt that said Molly appeared and started to drool on the narrator's shoes.

­_Um, what are you doing?_

The chibi looked up.

"Pwinth Wiwiam?" it asked in a lisping voice. The narrator stared at it.

_He's not here yet. He's late. He is supposed to be late; he's the not-so-punctual hero._

The chibi started to cry. The narrator knelt beside it to try and comfort it.

_Here, have a picture. He signed it himself._

The chibi sniffed and looked at the photo being offered by the narrator. Then it burst into tears.

"I'm sorry. She got loose. It won't happen again." A nurse wearing a white coat with a badge reading Maria and a collar and leash in her hands hurried forward.

"No Pwinth Wiwiam!" wailed the chibi.

"Here you go." The nurse handed it a picture of Prince William of England. The chibi instantly stopped crying and hugged the picture. While it was distracted the nurse put a collar on it.

"Wave bye-bye to the nice narrator." The chibi obediently did so as the nurse hauled it away. The nice narrator in question blinked after them in confusion and began to tell the story again.

_His full name was William Robert Joseph. He was on a quest for-_

The author suddenly sprung up and began to yell loudly, apparently at the ceiling.

"It is my creation! I gave it life! I won't stand for this sort of disrespect!"

The author looked back at the narrator. She was frothing at the mouth.

"Don't forget, I am the author! I have supreme power! I can do anything I want, anything! Mwa ha ha ha ha! I can even-" the insane author paused for effect or possibly to wipe the spittle from her face. "-erase" Laughing madly, the author vanished. The narrator waited patiently for some kind of disaster to befall it. Nothing happened.

_Alright, since I'm not dying of the plague or being trampled by stampeding elephants or spontaneously combusting, we will continue. He was on a quest for-_

A poof of orange smoke filled with sparkly things appeared. Seto Kaiba stepped out of it dressed as Santa Clause.

_How am I supposed to narrate when people keep popping up out of nowhere! What are you doing here! Go away!_

"The author assigned me as the co-host," Seto informed the irate narrator.

_There can't be a co-host! There isn't a host; I'm the narrator!_

"Fine, co-narrator."

_There is no such thing as a co-narrator._

"There is now. The author just added one." Seto crossed his arms over the baggy red suit.

_Fine, whatever. What exactly does a co-narrator do?_

"I make annoying comments and ask annoying questions."

_Okay, ask one._

"Why?" Seto grinned like a four year old who knows he is getting on your nerves.

_Because you are supposed to._

"Why?"

_The author said to, now do it!_

"Alright, keep your hat on." Seto closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"

_That's not a real question._

"I beg to differ. It ends in a question mark, therefore it is a question."

_That's not a question either._

"No, it's an annoying comment. I do those, too."

_Ask another one._

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled purple peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?"

_A peck. You said so yourself. Couldn't you ask one that makes sense?_

"Hey, sense was never part of the deal, just annoying."

_I get to ask one now, then._

"Shoot."

_Why are you dressed like that?_

Seto examined his outfit, complete with red hat and boots.

"I'm not sure. I think the author was bored. Maybe I ought to change. Red isn't my best color." He stepped behind a screen conveniently placed beside them. When he stepped out, he was wearing a lacy green dress and a pointed hat with a vulture on the top. Seto turned in a circle, preening.

"What do you think?" The narrator gaped at him, totally speechless.

_Um, perhaps we had best, ah, continue the story?_

"Excellent. Forward ho!" Seto began to ride an imaginary pony in circles around the narrator, who watched him for a moment, then cleared it's throat to begin.

_Billy Bob Joe was on a quest-_

"Hey, how come I'm the only one in this story with a name?" the annoying co-narrator asked, having decided to abandon the pony.

_The chibi and nurse have names. They're Molly and Maria._

"But you never call them Molly and Maria. You call them the chibi and the nurse. And you always call the chibi and it. You even call yourself an it. What's up with that?"

_Chibis and narrators are always its._

Ókay."

_Billy Bob Joe was-_

"Why don't you talk with quotation marks like the rest of us?"

The narrator was suddenly a hundred feet tall and surrounded by flames.

_Because I'm the narrator! Will you shut up and let me tell the bloody story now?_

Seto, now about the size of a kitten, nodded mutely.

_Alright, Billy Bob Joe was on a quest for the Holy Quail. The Holy Quail was supposed to be a quail that was full of holes. Rumor had it that the one who possessed the Holy Quail was given strange and mysterious powers. So Billy Bob Joe gathered the knights of the kingdom together to discuss where they might find the Holy Quail. And that is where our story begins…_

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holy Quail?

Will the narrator be able to finish the story without more interruptions?

Will Seto Kaiba realize he has horrible fashion sense?

Find out next time!


	2. Episode 2: Billy Bob Joe is Late For a V

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Two: Billy Bob Joe is Late to a Very Important Date

_Our hero, Billy Bob Joe, was planning a quest for the Holey Quail. Before he started out on his journey he decided to ask the advice of his father's knights. Then he would select the finest four and set out. There wasn't a lot of competition because our author is too lazy to make up a lot of characters._

The author appeared in a bathrobe holding a toothbrush.

"Could you begin the story without insulting me for once? I'm tired of yelling at you! You never listen to me anyways! You just don't appreciate how hard it is to write this stuff…" the author continued to rant, waving the toothbrush emphatically and getting toothpaste everywhere, as the narrator and the co-narrator, Seto Kaiba, edged away.

"I don't think she liked being called lazy," Seto said, a bit unnecessarily, while he avoided decapitation by the toothbrush.

_Well, she is. There are almost no characters and absolutely nothing happened in the last episode. It was incredibly pointless._

"Everything is pointless," said a girl wearing baggy black pants, cat ears and a black shirt that said Sara on it.

"Go away. You aren't a happy person," Seto told her. The girl looked at him and blinked.

"You're wearing a pink bunny suit," she said.

"I know. Isn't it absolutely gorgeous?" Seto asked. The girl started to laugh in a high-pitched, witch-y sort of way. The narrator hurried her away. When it returned, the narrator crossed it's fingers behind it's back.

_Alright, alright, our author isn't lazy._

"Now that's what I'm talking about! Gratitude! If only everyone else was as understanding as you…" The author patted the narrator's shoulder and wandered away, still waving the toothbrush.

_So Billy Bob Joe was headed for a meeting with the knights. Unfortunately, being a not-so-punctual hero, he was running late._

"Oh man, I'm running late! I never should have taken directions from that little black pig wearing the bandana!" Billy Bob Joe panted.

_The reader must understand that animals could talk in Burger Kingdom, where Billy Bob Joe lived. He hurried along the halls of the palace in Burgertopia, the capital._

"How come he doesn't know the way around his own palace?" Seto asked.

_I don't know. Ask him._

"Hey, mister! How come you don't know the way around your own palace? And what's the pig doing here?" Seto called out.

"Are you allowed to talk to the characters? Aren't you only supposed to narrate?" Billy Bob Joe replied.

"No, I'm the co-narrator. Emphasis on co. How come no one's ever heard of a co-narrator before?"

_Maybe 'cause there's no such thing?_

"There is too!" Seto stuck his lower lip out.

_Oh, stop it, you look like such a dork._

"Take that back," he whined. "Or I'll tell the author on you."

_You're such a tattle-tale._

Seto stuck out his tongue.

"Excuse me, people, but I'm the not-so-punctual hero. This story is supposed to be about me. Could we get back to me, please?" Billy Bob Joe asked in the over polite voice people use when they aren't really asking.

_He's got a point. This is the Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero. So Billy was hurrying down the hall-_

"Wait! He never answered my questions!" Seto howled.

_Fine, fine. Answer the questions or he'll never shut up._

Billy Bob Joe gritted his teeth, but answered them.

"I don't know why I don't know the way around my palace. It's a story; you just go with it. And the pig was there because the author put it there. Are you happy now?"

Seto pulled a lollypop out of the pocket of his bunny suit and began to lick very contentedly.

"Very. You may continue now." He waved a hand imperially at the narrator, who shook it's head and started off again.

_Billy Bob Joe hurried down the hall. The day had started well. He wasn't even late to breakfast. Then he had left for the meeting with the knights, which was to be held in the stables so that he and the four knights he chose to go with him could jump heroically into their saddles immediately. On the way, the Grand Poobah (the mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-man sort found in all good stories) stopped him for the time. Billy Bob Joe checked his state-of-the-art Rolex._

"It's eleven thirty-seven! I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!" Billy Bob Joe cried.

"My prince, what date is so important that you, Crown Prince William Robert Joseph, Heir to the Burger Kingdom, are so dread to miss it?" the Grand Poobah asked in an oily voice.

_He talked that way because that is how mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-men are supposed to speak; and he was very dedicated to his work._

"The queen wants to play croquette with flamingos and hedgehogs. Wait, that's next Saturday. Hold on, let me check my schedule."

_Billy Bob Joe pulled a little paisley book and a pair of spectacles out of his pocket. He scanned the book._

"Ah, yes, I have a meeting with my father's knights to plan our quest for the Holey Quail."

"You had best hurry, my prince. The meeting should have started exactly seven minutes and fifty-two seconds ago," the Grand Poobah said.

"Bye!" Billy Bob Joe called over his shoulder.

_He raced away at about 80 miles per hour, kicking up a large cloud of dust and being chased by Wile E. Coyote, who had mistaken him for the road runner. Behind him, the Grand Poobah laughed._

"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!" the Grand Poobah laughed.

"Hey, you weren't supposed to say that! You just interrupted the story! Just when it was getting good, too," Seto said. The author appeared again, still in the bathrobe, holding the toothbrush threateningly.

"Are you implying that it wasn't good before?" she asked. Seto cowered behind the narrator.

"No, ma'am," he said meekly.

"Good." The author nodded approvingly.

"Excuse me," interrupted the Grand Poobah, "but why wasn't I supposed to laugh? The narrator said 'the Grand Poobah laughed manically' and I did."

"But that's not how it works!" Seto yelled from behind the narrator.

_Guys, focus. We have to finish this episode. Billy Bob Joe was eleven and a half minutes late to his meeting and the Grand Poobah had discovered his plan to find the Holey Quail. The evil man had some plans for the young prince. What will happen to our not-so-punctual hero?_

Seto whacked the narrator on the head.

"You weren't supposed to say that! Now it sounds like some kind of soap opera!" he complained.

"Do I have to separate you two?" asked the author.

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

Will he ever actually get started on his quest?

What does the Grand Poobah have planned?

Find out next time!


	3. Episode 3: Knights of the 100 Lbs table

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode One: the Narrator Starts the Story

_This story does not begin once upon a time. As our hero is always late, the story cannot be on time; up down or otherwise. Our not-so-punctual hero's name was Billy Bob Joe, because our author lacks the imagination to come up with a better one._

Said author appears beside the narrator.

"I am not!" said the author. She goes into the corner, crouches down facing the wall, and starts muttering.

"No appreciation…I work hard to create it and this is how it thanks me…"

The narrator glances uncertainly back at her.

_Err…Billy Bob Joe was really a prince who's full name was William-_

A red haired chibi in a pink shirt that said Molly appeared and started to drool on the narrator's shoes.

­_Um, what are you doing?_

The chibi looked up.

"Pwinth Wiwiam?" it asked in a lisping voice. The narrator stared at it.

_He's not here yet. He's late. He is supposed to be late; he's the not-so-punctual hero._

The chibi started to cry. The narrator knelt beside it to try and comfort it.

_Here, have a picture. He signed it himself._

The chibi sniffed and looked at the photo being offered by the narrator. Then it burst into tears.

"I'm sorry. She got loose. It won't happen again." A nurse wearing a white coat with a badge reading Maria and a collar and leash in her hands hurried forward.

"No Pwinth Wiwiam!" wailed the chibi.

"Here you go." The nurse handed it a picture of Prince William of England. The chibi instantly stopped crying and hugged the picture. While it was distracted the nurse put a collar on it.

"Wave bye-bye to the nice narrator." The chibi obediently did so as the nurse hauled it away. The nice narrator in question blinked after them in confusion and began to tell the story again.

_His full name was William Robert Joseph. He was on a quest for-_

The author suddenly sprung up and began to yell loudly, apparently at the ceiling.

"It is my creation! I gave it life! I won't stand for this sort of disrespect!"

The author looked back at the narrator. She was frothing at the mouth.

"Don't forget, I am the author! I have supreme power! I can do anything I want, anything! Mwa ha ha ha ha! I can even-" the insane author paused for effect or possibly to wipe the spittle from her face. "-erase" Laughing madly, the author vanished. The narrator waited patiently for some kind of disaster to befall it. Nothing happened.

_Alright, since I'm not dying of the plague or being trampled by stampeding elephants or spontaneously combusting, we will continue. He was on a quest for-_

A poof of orange smoke filled with sparkly things appeared. Seto Kaiba stepped out of it dressed as Santa Clause.

_How am I supposed to narrate when people keep popping up out of nowhere! What are you doing here! Go away!_

"The author assigned me as the co-host," Seto informed the irate narrator.

_There can't be a co-host! There isn't a host; I'm the narrator!_

"Fine, co-narrator."

_There is no such thing as a co-narrator._

"There is now. The author just added one." Seto crossed his arms over the baggy red suit.

_Fine, whatever. What exactly does a co-narrator do?_

"I make annoying comments and ask annoying questions."

_Okay, ask one._

"Why?" Seto grinned like a four year old who knows he is getting on your nerves.

_Because you are supposed to._

"Why?"

_The author said to, now do it!_

"Alright, keep your hat on." Seto closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"

_That's not a real question._

"I beg to differ. It ends in a question mark, therefore it is a question."

_That's not a question either._

"No, it's an annoying comment. I do those, too."

_Ask another one._

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled purple peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?"

_A peck. You said so yourself. Couldn't you ask one that makes sense?_

"Hey, sense was never part of the deal, just annoying."

_I get to ask one now, then._

"Shoot."

_Why are you dressed like that?_

Seto examined his outfit, complete with red hat and boots.

"I'm not sire. I think the author was bored. Maybe I ought to change. Red isn't my best color." He stepped behind a screen conveniently placed beside them. When he stepped out, he was wearing a lacy green dress and a pointed hat with a vulture on the top. Seto turned in a circle, preening.

"What do you think?" The narrator gaped at him, totally speechless.

_Um, perhaps we had best, ah, continue the story?_

"Excellent. Forward ho!" Seto began to ride an imaginary pony in circles around the narrator, who watched him for a moment, then cleared it's throat to begin.

_Billy Bob Joe was on a quest-_

"Hey, how come I'm the only one in this story with a name?" the annoying co-narrator asked, having decided to abandon the pony.

_The chibi and nurse have names. They're Molly and Maria._

"But you never call them Molly and Maria. You call them the chibi and the nurse. And you always call the chibi and it. You even call yourself an it. What's up with that?"

_Chibis and narrators are always its._

Okay."

_Billy Bob Joe was-_

"Why don't you talk with quotation marks like the rest of us?"

The narrator was suddenly a hundred feet tall and surrounded by flames.

_Because I'm the narrator! Will you shut up and let me tell the bloody story now?_

Seto, now about the size of a kitten, nodded mutely.

_Alright, Billy Bob Joe was on a quest for the Holy Quail. The Holy Quail was supposed to be a quail that was full of holes. Rumor had it that the one who possessed the Holy Quail was given strange and mysterious powers. So Billy Bob Joe gathered the knights of the kingdom together to discuss where they might find the Holy Quail. And that is where our story begins…_

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holy Quail?

Will the narrator be able to finish the story without more interruptions?

Will Seto Kaiba realize he has horrible fashion sense?

Find out next time!

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Two: Billy Bob Joe is Late to a Very Important Date

_Our hero, Billy Bob Joe, was planning a quest for the Holey Quail. Before he started out on his journey he decided to ask the advice of his father's knights. Then he would select the finest four and set out. There wasn't a lot of competition because our author is too lazy to make up a lot of characters._

The author appeared in a bathrobe holding a toothbrush.

"Could you begin the story without insulting me for once? I'm tired of yelling at you! You never listen to me anyways! You just don't appreciate how hard it is to write this stuff…" the author continued to rant, waving the toothbrush emphatically and getting toothpaste everywhere, as the narrator and the co-narrator, Seto Kaiba, edged away.

"I don't think she liked being called lazy," Seto said, a bit unnecessarily, while he avoided decapitation by the toothbrush.

_Well, she is. There are almost no characters and absolutely nothing happened in the last episode. It was incredibly pointless._

"Everything is pointless," said a girl wearing baggy black pants, cat ears and a black shirt that said Sara on it.

"Go away. You aren't a happy person," Seto told her. The girl looked at him and blinked.

"You're wearing a pink bunny suit," she said.

"I know. Isn't it absolutely gorgeous?" Seto asked. The girl started to laugh in a high-pitched, witch-y sort of way. The narrator hurried her away. When it returned, the narrator crossed it's fingers behind it's back.

_Alright, alright, our author isn't lazy._

"Now that's what I'm talking about! Gratitude! If only everyone else was as understanding as you…" The author patted the narrator's shoulder and wandered away, still waving the toothbrush.

_So Billy Bob Joe was headed for a meeting with the knights. Unfortunately, being a not-so-punctual hero, he was running late._

"Oh man, I'm running late! I never should have taken directions from that little black pig wearing the bandana!" Billy Bob Joe panted.

_The reader must understand that animals could talk in Burger Kingdom, where Billy Bob Joe lived. He hurried along the halls of the palace in Burgertopia, the capital._

"How come he doesn't know the way around his own palace?" Seto asked.

_I don't know. Ask him._

"Hey, mister! How come you don't know the way around your own palace? And what's the pig doing here?" Seto called out.

"Are you allowed to talk to the characters? Aren't you only supposed to narrate?" Billy Bob Joe replied.

"No, I'm the co-narrator. Emphasis on co. How come no one's ever heard of a co-narrator before?"

_Maybe 'cause there's no such thing?_

"There is too!" Seto stuck his lower lip out.

_Oh, stop it, you look like such a dork._

"Take that back," he whined. "Or I'll tell the author on you."

_You're such a tattle-tale._

Seto stuck out his tongue.

"Excuse me, people, but I'm the not-so-punctual hero. This story is supposed to be about me. Could we get back to me, please?" Billy Bob Joe asked in the over polite voice people use when they aren't really asking.

_He's got a point. This is the Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero. So Billy was hurrying down the hall-_

"Wait! He never answered my questions!" Seto howled.

_Fine, fine. Answer the questions or he'll never shut up._

Billy Bob Joe gritted his teeth, but answered them.

"I don't know why I don't know the way around my palace. It's a story; you just go with it. And the pig was there because the author put it there. Are you happy now?"

Seto pulled a lollypop out of the pocket of his bunny suit and began to lick very contentedly.

"Very. You may continue now." He waved a hand imperially at the narrator, who shook it's head and started off again.

_Billy Bob Joe hurried down the hall. The day had started well. He wasn't even late to breakfast. Then he had left for the meeting with the knights, which was to be held in the stables so that he and the four knights he chose to go with him could jump heroically into their saddles immediately. On the way, the Grand Poobah (the mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-man sort found in all good stories) stopped him for the time. Billy Bob Joe checked his state-of-the-art Rolex._

"It's eleven thirty-seven! I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!" Billy Bob Joe cried.

"My prince, what date is so important that you, Crown Prince William Robert Joseph, Heir to the Burger Kingdom, are so dread to miss it?" the Grand Poobah asked in an oily voice.

_He talked that way because that is how mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-men are supposed to speak; and he was very dedicated to his work._

"The queen wants to play croquette with flamingos and hedgehogs. Wait, that's next Saturday. Hold on, let me check my schedule."

_Billy Bob Joe pulled a little paisley book and a pair of spectacles out of his pocket. He scanned the book._

"Ah, yes, I have a meeting with my father's knights to plan our quest for the Holey Quail."

"You had best hurry, my prince. The meeting should have started exactly seven minutes and fifty-two seconds ago," the Grand Poobah said.

"Bye!" Billy Bob Joe called over his shoulder.

_He raced away at about 80 miles per hour, kicking up a large cloud of dust and being chased by Wile E. Coyote, who had mistaken him for the road runner. Behind him, the Grand Poobah laughed._

"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!" the Grand Poobah laughed.

"Hey, you weren't supposed to say that! You just interrupted the story! Just when it was getting good, too," Seto said. The author appeared again, still in the bathrobe, holding the toothbrush threateningly.

"Are you implying that it wasn't good before?" she asked. Seto cowered behind the narrator.

"No, ma'am," he said meekly.

"Good." The author nodded approvingly.

"Excuse me," interrupted the Grand Poobah, "but why wasn't I supposed to laugh? The narrator said 'the Grand Poobah laughed manically' and I did."

"But that's not how it works!" Seto yelled from behind the narrator.

_Guys, focus. We have to finish this episode. Billy Bob Joe was eleven and a half minutes late to his meeting and the Grand Poobah had discovered his plan to find the Holey Quail. The evil man had some plans for the young prince. What will happen to our not-so-punctual hero?_

Seto whacked the narrator on the head.

"You weren't supposed to say that! Now it sounds like some kind of soap opera!" he complained.

"Do I have to separate you two?" asked the author.

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

Will he ever actually get started on his quest?

What does the Grand Poobah have planned?

Find out next time!

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Three: Knights of the Hundred Pound Table

_Last time, on The-_

"Will you cut it out? This isn't a soap opera! Just tell the story!" yelled the co-narrator, Seto Kaiba, irritably. The narrator scowled at him.

_I'm trying to build suspense for the story. If you don't like it, go co-narrate somewhere else._

"Somewhere over the rainbow," Seto sang in a falsetto voice. The narrator rolled its eyes and continued.

_Billy Bob Joe was-_

"Hey, you know what's missing? Theme Music!" Seto started jumping up around like a kangaroo. Or Tigger, since that's what he was dressed as.

_Why do we need theme music?_

"Because we do! It'll increase readers! Our reviews will sky rocket! We'll all get paid more!"

"Really?" Billy Bob Joe stuck his head out of the dressing room door. "I'm calling my agent." He whipped out a sleek silver camera phone and speed dialed the agent. "Yeah, Mr. Bubbles? Look over my contract for pay raises. Ow!" Seto grabbed him by the ear and hauled him away. The narrator shrugged.

_Since we have no chance of being interrupted by my annoying co-narrator, I will continue. Billy Bob Joe-_

"Aie chiwahwah!" An eewok jumped out and started jabbering incoherently.

_Excuse me, what are you jabbering incoherently about?_

"Get this stupid thing off me! It itches!" howled the eewok. The narrator unzipped the costume. A young boy with a buzz cut wearing a shirt that said Ian stepped out.

_Um, hello. What were you doing in that eewok costume?_

"My sister paid me five bucks to wear it and appear in this story. Where's my gameboy?" The boy looked through the costumes pockets and pulled out a red Gameboy Advanced. He hit the power button and began a game.

_Okay, Billy B-_

"Aloha!" Seto had returned and was now wearing a Hawaiian shirt, flowered shorts and lei.

_Oh, you're back._

"Indeed, my friend. Now we must conduct auditions for a theme song."

_Do we have to? Couldn't we just tell the story?_

"Certainly not! Auditioners! Front and center, please!"

A line of people entered, including a curly haired girl in a polka dot dress with a badge reading Sofia. Seto pulled the narrator behind a table and forced him into a chair.

"Okay, who's up first? Would Mademoiselle Sofia step up?" Seto asked, scanning the group. The girl in the polka dot dress hurried forward. The narrator tipped its chair back.

"Fire away, dear." Seto mimicked the narrator's posture.

"♪Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped its head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said;

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

Nine little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped its head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said;

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

Eight little monkeys- ♪"

_Excuse me, but could you explain how this could be a theme song for the Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero?_

"Um, er, well, I-"

_Thought so. Get out, girl. You are the weakest link._

The girl raced away.

"Okay, next!" Seto called.

The boy in the eewok costume stepped forward and began to sing off key.

"♪ Sweet dreams are made of these

Who am I to disagree?

Travel the world and the seven seas

Everybody…♪"

Suddenly the boy turned around and threw a bottle (which had somehow miraculously appeared in his hand) at the ceiling.

"Oi! Why do I have to sing this stupid song?" he howled.

The booming voice of the author soon filled the room.

"Because I said so! And when I say so, it shall be done!"

Thunder and lightning crashed, and all the auditioners ducked under the table. A tornado whirled out of nowhere and swept them away, along with the eewok boy. The narrator and Seto calmly watched the spin around and around. They were soon joined by a farm house, a chicken coop, and a little girl squealing 'Auntie Em, Auntie Em!' in a high pitched voice. Then a scrawny boy in glasses appeared, flying on a broomstick.

"Boy! Hey you! Get down here!" Seto waved frantically at him. The boy landed beside then, apparently not at all disturbed by the natural disaster going on around them.

"Who are you? We booked the Wicked Witch of the West for this, not some midget with his head slashed open!"

"She's sick, practically green with flu. I'm Harry Potter, I'm subbing for her." The boy wiped his glasses on his long black robes.

"She's always green, but that's not the point! We had a contract!" Seto brandished a slip of paper under the boy's nose. The boy put his glasses back on, crossed his eyes, and read the note aloud.

"Dear Kaiba-boy; I have your little brother hostage. Surrender Kaiba Corp. to me or share his fate. Mwahahahaha. Sincerely, Maximillian Pegasus."

"Wha- oh no! Mokubaaaaaa!" Seto ran off. The narrator watched him go with a blank look on its face, and then turned back to the tornado situation.

_You can leave now, we won't be needing you anymore._

The narrator waved at the tornado, which disappeared along with the eewok boy, the auditioners, the house, the chicken coop, the screeching girl, and the boy on the broomstick. The narrator sat on the ground, struck a meditative pose, and took a deep, cleansing breath.

_Now we may continue our story. Without interruptions. At last. So Billy Bob Joe had been late to the meeting with his father's nights. They had a good many things to say to him._

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…" said Sir Nealen, Lord Meathead, drooling on the table. He was fast asleep.

"Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast," said Sir Friar, Duke Lawrence. He had also been late.

"You're panting like a dog," commented Sir Inu, Marquis Yasha. He was chewing on a dog treat.

"Ach, Gott in Himmel!" cried Sir Marten, Count Kroells. He was Billy Bob Joe's German cousin.

"WE ARE THE KNIGHTS OF THE 100 POUND TABLE!" they all roared.

_Thus the bold knights greeted their prince and prepared for the meeting to plan a long and perilous journey for the Holey Quail._

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

What will happen to the theme song idea?

Where in the world in Seto Kaiba?

Find out next time!


	4. Episode 4: Return of the Chibi

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode One: the Narrator Starts the Story

_This story does not begin once upon a time. As our hero is always late, the story cannot be on time; up down or otherwise. Our not-so-punctual hero's name was Billy Bob Joe, because our author lacks the imagination to come up with a better one._

Said author appears beside the narrator.

"I am not!" said the author. She goes into the corner, crouches down facing the wall, and starts muttering.

"No appreciation…I work hard to create it and this is how it thanks me…"

The narrator glances uncertainly back at her.

_Err…Billy Bob Joe was really a prince who's full name was William-_

A red haired chibi in a pink shirt that said Molly appeared and started to drool on the narrator's shoes.

­_Um, what are you doing?_

The chibi looked up.

"Pwinth Wiwiam?" it asked in a lisping voice. The narrator stared at it.

_He's not here yet. He's late. He is supposed to be late; he's the not-so-punctual hero._

The chibi started to cry. The narrator knelt beside it to try and comfort it.

_Here, have a picture. He signed it himself._

The chibi sniffed and looked at the photo being offered by the narrator. Then it burst into tears.

"I'm sorry. She got loose. It won't happen again." A nurse wearing a white coat with a badge reading Maria and a collar and leash in her hands hurried forward.

"No Pwinth Wiwiam!" wailed the chibi.

"Here you go." The nurse handed it a picture of Prince William of England. The chibi instantly stopped crying and hugged the picture. While it was distracted the nurse put a collar on it.

"Wave bye-bye to the nice narrator." The chibi obediently did so as the nurse hauled it away. The nice narrator in question blinked after them in confusion and began to tell the story again.

_His full name was William Robert Joseph. He was on a quest for-_

The author suddenly sprung up and began to yell loudly, apparently at the ceiling.

"It is my creation! I gave it life! I won't stand for this sort of disrespect!"

The author looked back at the narrator. She was frothing at the mouth.

"Don't forget, I am the author! I have supreme power! I can do anything I want, anything! Mwa ha ha ha ha! I can even-" the insane author paused for effect or possibly to wipe the spittle from her face. "-erase" Laughing madly, the author vanished. The narrator waited patiently for some kind of disaster to befall it. Nothing happened.

_Alright, since I'm not dying of the plague or being trampled by stampeding elephants or spontaneously combusting, we will continue. He was on a quest for-_

A poof of orange smoke filled with sparkly things appeared. Seto Kaiba stepped out of it dressed as Santa Clause.

_How am I supposed to narrate when people keep popping up out of nowhere! What are you doing here! Go away!_

"The author assigned me as the co-host," Seto informed the irate narrator.

_There can't be a co-host! There isn't a host; I'm the narrator!_

"Fine, co-narrator."

_There is no such thing as a co-narrator._

"There is now. The author just added one." Seto crossed his arms over the baggy red suit.

_Fine, whatever. What exactly does a co-narrator do?_

"I make annoying comments and ask annoying questions."

_Okay, ask one._

"Why?" Seto grinned like a four year old who knows he is getting on your nerves.

_Because you are supposed to._

"Why?"

_The author said to, now do it!_

"Alright, keep your hat on." Seto closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"

_That's not a real question._

"I beg to differ. It ends in a question mark, therefore it is a question."

_That's not a question either._

"No, it's an annoying comment. I do those, too."

_Ask another one._

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled purple peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?"

_A peck. You said so yourself. Couldn't you ask one that makes sense?_

"Hey, sense was never part of the deal, just annoying."

_I get to ask one now, then._

"Shoot."

_Why are you dressed like that?_

Seto examined his outfit, complete with red hat and boots.

"I'm not sire. I think the author was bored. Maybe I ought to change. Red isn't my best color." He stepped behind a screen conveniently placed beside them. When he stepped out, he was wearing a lacy green dress and a pointed hat with a vulture on the top. Seto turned in a circle, preening.

"What do you think?" The narrator gaped at him, totally speechless.

_Um, perhaps we had best, ah, continue the story?_

"Excellent. Forward ho!" Seto began to ride an imaginary pony in circles around the narrator, who watched him for a moment, then cleared it's throat to begin.

_Billy Bob Joe was on a quest-_

"Hey, how come I'm the only one in this story with a name?" the annoying co-narrator asked, having decided to abandon the pony.

_The chibi and nurse have names. They're Molly and Maria._

"But you never call them Molly and Maria. You call them the chibi and the nurse. And you always call the chibi and it. You even call yourself an it. What's up with that?"

_Chibis and narrators are always its._

Okay."

_Billy Bob Joe was-_

"Why don't you talk with quotation marks like the rest of us?"

The narrator was suddenly a hundred feet tall and surrounded by flames.

_Because I'm the narrator! Will you shut up and let me tell the bloody story now?_

Seto, now about the size of a kitten, nodded mutely.

_Alright, Billy Bob Joe was on a quest for the Holy Quail. The Holy Quail was supposed to be a quail that was full of holes. Rumor had it that the one who possessed the Holy Quail was given strange and mysterious powers. So Billy Bob Joe gathered the knights of the kingdom together to discuss where they might find the Holy Quail. And that is where our story begins…_

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holy Quail?

Will the narrator be able to finish the story without more interruptions?

Will Seto Kaiba realize he has horrible fashion sense?

Find out next time!

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Two: Billy Bob Joe is Late to a Very Important Date

_Our hero, Billy Bob Joe, was planning a quest for the Holey Quail. Before he started out on his journey he decided to ask the advice of his father's knights. Then he would select the finest four and set out. There wasn't a lot of competition because our author is too lazy to make up a lot of characters._

The author appeared in a bathrobe holding a toothbrush.

"Could you begin the story without insulting me for once? I'm tired of yelling at you! You never listen to me anyways! You just don't appreciate how hard it is to write this stuff…" the author continued to rant, waving the toothbrush emphatically and getting toothpaste everywhere, as the narrator and the co-narrator, Seto Kaiba, edged away.

"I don't think she liked being called lazy," Seto said, a bit unnecessarily, while he avoided decapitation by the toothbrush.

_Well, she is. There are almost no characters and absolutely nothing happened in the last episode. It was incredibly pointless._

"Everything is pointless," said a girl wearing baggy black pants, cat ears and a black shirt that said Sara on it.

"Go away. You aren't a happy person," Seto told her. The girl looked at him and blinked.

"You're wearing a pink bunny suit," she said.

"I know. Isn't it absolutely gorgeous?" Seto asked. The girl started to laugh in a high-pitched, witch-y sort of way. The narrator hurried her away. When it returned, the narrator crossed it's fingers behind it's back.

_Alright, alright, our author isn't lazy._

"Now that's what I'm talking about! Gratitude! If only everyone else was as understanding as you…" The author patted the narrator's shoulder and wandered away, still waving the toothbrush.

_So Billy Bob Joe was headed for a meeting with the knights. Unfortunately, being a not-so-punctual hero, he was running late._

"Oh man, I'm running late! I never should have taken directions from that little black pig wearing the bandana!" Billy Bob Joe panted.

_The reader must understand that animals could talk in Burger Kingdom, where Billy Bob Joe lived. He hurried along the halls of the palace in Burgertopia, the capital._

"How come he doesn't know the way around his own palace?" Seto asked.

_I don't know. Ask him._

"Hey, mister! How come you don't know the way around your own palace? And what's the pig doing here?" Seto called out.

"Are you allowed to talk to the characters? Aren't you only supposed to narrate?" Billy Bob Joe replied.

"No, I'm the co-narrator. Emphasis on co. How come no one's ever heard of a co-narrator before?"

_Maybe 'cause there's no such thing?_

"There is too!" Seto stuck his lower lip out.

_Oh, stop it, you look like such a dork._

"Take that back," he whined. "Or I'll tell the author on you."

_You're such a tattle-tale._

Seto stuck out his tongue.

"Excuse me, people, but I'm the not-so-punctual hero. This story is supposed to be about me. Could we get back to me, please?" Billy Bob Joe asked in the over polite voice people use when they aren't really asking.

_He's got a point. This is the Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero. So Billy was hurrying down the hall-_

"Wait! He never answered my questions!" Seto howled.

_Fine, fine. Answer the questions or he'll never shut up._

Billy Bob Joe gritted his teeth, but answered them.

"I don't know why I don't know the way around my palace. It's a story; you just go with it. And the pig was there because the author put it there. Are you happy now?"

Seto pulled a lollypop out of the pocket of his bunny suit and began to lick very contentedly.

"Very. You may continue now." He waved a hand imperially at the narrator, who shook it's head and started off again.

_Billy Bob Joe hurried down the hall. The day had started well. He wasn't even late to breakfast. Then he had left for the meeting with the knights, which was to be held in the stables so that he and the four knights he chose to go with him could jump heroically into their saddles immediately. On the way, the Grand Poobah (the mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-man sort found in all good stories) stopped him for the time. Billy Bob Joe checked his state-of-the-art Rolex._

"It's eleven thirty-seven! I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!" Billy Bob Joe cried.

"My prince, what date is so important that you, Crown Prince William Robert Joseph, Heir to the Burger Kingdom, are so dread to miss it?" the Grand Poobah asked in an oily voice.

_He talked that way because that is how mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-men are supposed to speak; and he was very dedicated to his work._

"The queen wants to play croquette with flamingos and hedgehogs. Wait, that's next Saturday. Hold on, let me check my schedule."

_Billy Bob Joe pulled a little paisley book and a pair of spectacles out of his pocket. He scanned the book._

"Ah, yes, I have a meeting with my father's knights to plan our quest for the Holey Quail."

"You had best hurry, my prince. The meeting should have started exactly seven minutes and fifty-two seconds ago," the Grand Poobah said.

"Bye!" Billy Bob Joe called over his shoulder.

_He raced away at about 80 miles per hour, kicking up a large cloud of dust and being chased by Wile E. Coyote, who had mistaken him for the road runner. Behind him, the Grand Poobah laughed._

"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!" the Grand Poobah laughed.

"Hey, you weren't supposed to say that! You just interrupted the story! Just when it was getting good, too," Seto said. The author appeared again, still in the bathrobe, holding the toothbrush threateningly.

"Are you implying that it wasn't good before?" she asked. Seto cowered behind the narrator.

"No, ma'am," he said meekly.

"Good." The author nodded approvingly.

"Excuse me," interrupted the Grand Poobah, "but why wasn't I supposed to laugh? The narrator said 'the Grand Poobah laughed manically' and I did."

"But that's not how it works!" Seto yelled from behind the narrator.

_Guys, focus. We have to finish this episode. Billy Bob Joe was eleven and a half minutes late to his meeting and the Grand Poobah had discovered his plan to find the Holey Quail. The evil man had some plans for the young prince. What will happen to our not-so-punctual hero?_

Seto whacked the narrator on the head.

"You weren't supposed to say that! Now it sounds like some kind of soap opera!" he complained.

"Do I have to separate you two?" asked the author.

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

Will he ever actually get started on his quest?

What does the Grand Poobah have planned?

Find out next time!

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Three: Knights of the Hundred Pound Table

_Last time, on The-_

"Will you cut it out? This isn't a soap opera! Just tell the story!" yelled the co-narrator, Seto Kaiba, irritably. The narrator scowled at him.

_I'm trying to build suspense for the story. If you don't like it, go co-narrate somewhere else._

"Somewhere over the rainbow," Seto sang in a falsetto voice. The narrator rolled its eyes and continued.

_Billy Bob Joe was-_

"Hey, you know what's missing? Theme Music!" Seto started jumping up around like a kangaroo. Or Tigger, since that's what he was dressed as.

_Why do we need theme music?_

"Because we do! It'll increase readers! Our reviews will sky rocket! We'll all get paid more!"

"Really?" Billy Bob Joe stuck his head out of the dressing room door. "I'm calling my agent." He whipped out a sleek silver camera phone and speed dialed the agent. "Yeah, Mr. Bubbles? Look over my contract for pay raises. Ow!" Seto grabbed him by the ear and hauled him away. The narrator shrugged.

_Since we have no chance of being interrupted by my annoying co-narrator, I will continue. Billy Bob Joe-_

"Aie chiwahwah!" An eewok jumped out and started jabbering incoherently.

_Excuse me, what are you jabbering incoherently about?_

"Get this stupid thing off me! It itches!" howled the eewok. The narrator unzipped the costume. A young boy with a buzz cut wearing a shirt that said Ian stepped out.

_Um, hello. What were you doing in that eewok costume?_

"My sister paid me five bucks to wear it and appear in this story. Where's my gameboy?" The boy looked through the costumes pockets and pulled out a red Gameboy Advanced. He hit the power button and began a game.

_Okay, Billy B-_

"Aloha!" Seto had returned and was now wearing a Hawaiian shirt, flowered shorts and lei.

_Oh, you're back._

"Indeed, my friend. Now we must conduct auditions for a theme song."

_Do we have to? Couldn't we just tell the story?_

"Certainly not! Auditioners! Front and center, please!"

A line of people entered, including a curly haired girl in a polka dot dress with a badge reading Sofia. Seto pulled the narrator behind a table and forced him into a chair.

"Okay, who's up first? Would Mademoiselle Sofia step up?" Seto asked, scanning the group. The girl in the polka dot dress hurried forward. The narrator tipped its chair back.

"Fire away, dear." Seto mimicked the narrator's posture.

"♪Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped its head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said;

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

Nine little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped its head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said;

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

Eight little monkeys- ♪"

_Excuse me, but could you explain how this could be a theme song for the Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero?_

"Um, er, well, I-"

_Thought so. Get out, girl. You are the weakest link._

The girl raced away.

"Okay, next!" Seto called.

The boy in the eewok costume stepped forward and began to sing off key.

"♪ Sweet dreams are made of these

Who am I to disagree?

Travel the world and the seven seas

Everybody…♪"

Suddenly the boy turned around and threw a bottle (which had somehow miraculously appeared in his hand) at the ceiling.

"Oi! Why do I have to sing this stupid song?" he howled.

The booming voice of the author soon filled the room.

"Because I said so! And when I say so, it shall be done!"

Thunder and lightning crashed, and all the auditioners ducked under the table. A tornado whirled out of nowhere and swept them away, along with the eewok boy. The narrator and Seto calmly watched the spin around and around. They were soon joined by a farm house, a chicken coop, and a little girl squealing 'Auntie Em, Auntie Em!' in a high pitched voice. Then a scrawny boy in glasses appeared, flying on a broomstick.

"Boy! Hey you! Get down here!" Seto waved frantically at him. The boy landed beside then, apparently not at all disturbed by the natural disaster going on around them.

"Who are you? We booked the Wicked Witch of the West for this, not some midget with his head slashed open!"

"She's sick, practically green with flu. I'm Harry Potter, I'm subbing for her." The boy wiped his glasses on his long black robes.

"She's always green, but that's not the point! We had a contract!" Seto brandished a slip of paper under the boy's nose. The boy put his glasses back on, crossed his eyes, and read the note aloud.

"Dear Kaiba-boy; I have your little brother hostage. Surrender Kaiba Corp. to me or share his fate. Mwahahahaha. Sincerely, Maximillian Pegasus."

"Wha- oh no! Mokubaaaaaa!" Seto ran off. The narrator watched him go with a blank look on its face, and then turned back to the tornado situation.

_You can leave now, we won't be needing you anymore._

The narrator waved at the tornado, which disappeared along with the eewok boy, the auditioners, the house, the chicken coop, the screeching girl, and the boy on the broomstick. The narrator sat on the ground, struck a meditative pose, and took a deep, cleansing breath.

_Now we may continue our story. Without interruptions. At last. So Billy Bob Joe had been late to the meeting with his father's nights. They had a good many things to say to him._

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…" said Sir Nealen, Lord Meathead, drooling on the table. He was fast asleep.

"Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast," said Sir Friar, Duke Lawrence. He had also been late.

"You're panting like a dog," commented Sir Inu, Marquis Yasha. He was chewing on a dog treat.

"Ach, Gott in Himmel!" cried Sir Marten, Count Kroells. He was Billy Bob Joe's German cousin.

"WE ARE THE KNIGHTS OF THE 100 POUND TABLE!" they all roared.

_Thus the bold knights greeted their prince and prepared for the meeting to plan a long and perilous journey for the Holey Quail._

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

What will happen to the theme song idea?

Where in the world in Seto Kaiba?

Find out next time!

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Four: Return of the Chibi

_We're going to make this quick, before Seto Kaiba shows up. Billy Bob Joe is a prince of Burger Kingdom, William Robert Joseph, who is on a quest to find the Holey Quail. He is currently consulting his father's knights, the Knights of the 100 Pound Table. The Grand Poobah, his father's mystic, evil-right-hand-man, is also plotting to find the Holey Quail and use its awesome, yet unspecified, powers for his evil, yet unspecified, purposes. This is the point where my annoying 'co-narrator' would usually break in with some wise-acre comment, but he's not here, so-_

A man with long blonde hair and pointy ears stepped out.

"Hi, I'm Legolas. Seto Kaiba asked me to fill in for him today, since his soul is trapped in the Shadow Realm."

_How on earth did you talk to him then?_

The blonde man flushed scarlet and stuttered angrily. "That's not the point! The point it-"

Clouds formed above them and the author's face appeared. She did not look pleased with them.

"What are you doing here, Lego-boy? Where is Seto?" she boomed.

"Um-" the elf, shrunken to the size of an ant, whimpered. "He- he called in sick. I'm f-filling in."

"We liketh not the Lord of the Rings. Go away."

"B-but-"

"Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightening bolt," she said, waving cloud-arms about vaguely.

"Hey, I'm an elf, not a mortal!" he said irritably. The author sighed.

"Hephaestus, are those lightening bolts done yet?" she asked someone.

"She can't really do that, can she?" Legolas whispered nervously to the narrator, who shrugged.

_I don't know. She made a tornado in the last episode._

Legolas gave a frightened squeak and started to run. There was a flash of light and the narrator could have sworn it heard someone say "Pikachuuuuuu!" Then the smoke cleared, revealing a rather fried elf whose long hair was none too neat.

"Hey, you can't do this. I'm copyrighted material!" he squawked.

"So is half the stuff in this story. It doesn't matter. I'm not making money off it, so no one cares," said the author. "Now scat. We have to finish the story."

Legolas and the author-cloud vanished.

_Um, okay, that was a little freaky. So Billy Bob Joe was in a meeting with his father's knights to gain advice._

"My friends, a great darkness has fallen upon our fair kingdom. To com- you have a question, Sir Neal?" asked Billy Bob Joe.

"Yeah. Didn't the weather man predict a sunny day with highs in the 80's?" Sir Neal questioned. Sir Inu hit him over the head with the dog bone he had been chewing on. Sir Neal slumped forward, unconscious.

"He means metaphorically, my son," said Sir Friar, who hadn't noticed this.

"Ach, git on with it, will ya?" exclaimed Sir Martin.

"Right, right, indeed, my cousin. As I was saying, a great darkness has spread, er, fallen- well, you know. So to combat this evil I have decided to embark on a quest for the Holey Quail, taking with me the four greatest and most loyal knights in Burger Kingdom." Proclaimed Billy Bob Joe.

Sir Neal, who had at some point regained consciousness, frowned and began to count on his fingers. The others ignored him as Billy Bob Joe continued.

"So I ask you, Knights of the 100 Pound Table, for advice." He sat down and stared around the table. There was a long awkward pause with crickets chirping in the background. Then Sir Inu yawned noisily.

"Bring stuff?" he suggested. The others stared at each other and then asked, in unrehearsed unison, "Like what?"

"Stuff…um, balloons?" Sir Inu said.

"Yea, balloons!" cried Sir Neal. The others blinked stupidly.

"Monkeys?"

"Gritzwurtz!"

"Yahtzee!"

"Hot dogs!"

"Pwaydo!"

"Huh?"

All five of them turned to the chibi standing behind them.

"I want my pwaydo, pwease!" chirped the chibi. Sir Friar stared at it.

"Um, prince? What is that?"

"I'm not sure… let me check the previous episodes." Billy Bob Joe disappeared through a door behind him.

_Where's he going?_

"Eeek!" squealed Sir Neal in a high pitched, girly voice. "Who're you?"

The narrator looked at him irritably.

_I asked first. I'm the narrator, now silence._

Sir Neal shut his mouth rapidly and mimed locking it.

"I want my pwaydo pwease!" the chibi insisted, sounding less perky and more annoyed. Sir Inu pointed at it.

"He went to find what that… thing… is," he said. The narrator peered at it curiously.

_That is the chibi that was in episode one._

"Okay… How do we get rid of it?"

_Dunno._

They were interrupted by Billy Bob Joe's return.

"It's the chibi from episode one," he told them all.

"Yir too la'e, the narra'or already told us that." Sir Martin said. Billy Bob Joe looked crestfallen. The narrator coughed lightly.

_Ahem. We could just leave it. You five do have a quest to get on with._

"I WANT MY PWAYDO!" shrieked the chibi.

"Does anyone know what 'pwaydo' is?" Billy Bob Joe whispered.

"Nope." The Knights of the 100 Pound Table responded together soundly.

"Okay…" Billy Bob Joe dug in his pockets and came up with an old gum wrapper. Her offered it to the chibi, who took it, looking curious.

"Alright, alright, you have your, er, Pwaydo. We're leaving now." They all jumped into their saddles and galloped off without any of the stuff they had discussed bringing. The chibi burst into tears upon the discovery that the gum wrapper was not the missing 'pwaydo'.

_Oh, hush. Here's your playdo._

The narrator handed it a canister of playdo.

"Pwaydo!" The chibi took the offering and skipped happily away.

_On the one hand, Billy Bob Joe and the Knights of the 100 Pound Table have finally started out on their quest for the Holey Quail. On the other, I have to finish up this episode on my own. Sooo… the Grand Poobah is plotting against our not-so-punctual hero. Yup, that's it, unless we can zap ourselves to wherever Billy Bob Joe went._

"I can so that!" the author-cloud reappeared. The narrator looked up at the sky nervously.

_That'd be great, but we're kinda out of space on the paper, so good-bye, audience members. Leave before the author goes psycho and squashes us all with some natural disaster._

_ -  
_

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

Where does the author's power over the weather come from?

What will the Knights do without their stuff?

Find out next time!


	5. Episode 5: The Great Disclaimer

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode One: the Narrator Starts the Story

_This story does not begin once upon a time. As our hero is always late, the story cannot be on time; up down or otherwise. Our not-so-punctual hero's name was Billy Bob Joe, because our author lacks the imagination to come up with a better one._

Said author appears beside the narrator.

"I am not!" said the author. She goes into the corner, crouches down facing the wall, and starts muttering.

"No appreciation…I work hard to create it and this is how it thanks me…"

The narrator glances uncertainly back at her.

_Err…Billy Bob Joe was really a prince who's full name was William-_

A red haired chibi in a pink shirt that said Molly appeared and started to drool on the narrator's shoes.

­_Um, what are you doing?_

The chibi looked up.

"Pwinth Wiwiam?" it asked in a lisping voice. The narrator stared at it.

_He's not here yet. He's late. He is supposed to be late; he's the not-so-punctual hero._

The chibi started to cry. The narrator knelt beside it to try and comfort it.

_Here, have a picture. He signed it himself._

The chibi sniffed and looked at the photo being offered by the narrator. Then it burst into tears.

"I'm sorry. She got loose. It won't happen again." A nurse wearing a white coat with a badge reading Maria and a collar and leash in her hands hurried forward.

"No Pwinth Wiwiam!" wailed the chibi.

"Here you go." The nurse handed it a picture of Prince William of England. The chibi instantly stopped crying and hugged the picture. While it was distracted the nurse put a collar on it.

"Wave bye-bye to the nice narrator." The chibi obediently did so as the nurse hauled it away. The nice narrator in question blinked after them in confusion and began to tell the story again.

_His full name was William Robert Joseph. He was on a quest for-_

The author suddenly sprung up and began to yell loudly, apparently at the ceiling.

"It is my creation! I gave it life! I won't stand for this sort of disrespect!"

The author looked back at the narrator. She was frothing at the mouth.

"Don't forget, I am the author! I have supreme power! I can do anything I want, anything! Mwa ha ha ha ha! I can even-" the insane author paused for effect or possibly to wipe the spittle from her face. "-erase" Laughing madly, the author vanished. The narrator waited patiently for some kind of disaster to befall it. Nothing happened.

_Alright, since I'm not dying of the plague or being trampled by stampeding elephants or spontaneously combusting, we will continue. He was on a quest for-_

A poof of orange smoke filled with sparkly things appeared. Seto Kaiba stepped out of it dressed as Santa Clause.

_How am I supposed to narrate when people keep popping up out of nowhere! What are you doing here! Go away!_

"The author assigned me as the co-host," Seto informed the irate narrator.

_There can't be a co-host! There isn't a host; I'm the narrator!_

"Fine, co-narrator."

_There is no such thing as a co-narrator._

"There is now. The author just added one." Seto crossed his arms over the baggy red suit.

_Fine, whatever. What exactly does a co-narrator do?_

"I make annoying comments and ask annoying questions."

_Okay, ask one._

"Why?" Seto grinned like a four year old who knows he is getting on your nerves.

_Because you are supposed to._

"Why?"

_The author said to, now do it!_

"Alright, keep your hat on." Seto closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"

_That's not a real question._

"I beg to differ. It ends in a question mark, therefore it is a question."

_That's not a question either._

"No, it's an annoying comment. I do those, too."

_Ask another one._

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled purple peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?"

_A peck. You said so yourself. Couldn't you ask one that makes sense?_

"Hey, sense was never part of the deal, just annoying."

_I get to ask one now, then._

"Shoot."

_Why are you dressed like that?_

Seto examined his outfit, complete with red hat and boots.

"I'm not sire. I think the author was bored. Maybe I ought to change. Red isn't my best color." He stepped behind a screen conveniently placed beside them. When he stepped out, he was wearing a lacy green dress and a pointed hat with a vulture on the top. Seto turned in a circle, preening.

"What do you think?" The narrator gaped at him, totally speechless.

_Um, perhaps we had best, ah, continue the story?_

"Excellent. Forward ho!" Seto began to ride an imaginary pony in circles around the narrator, who watched him for a moment, then cleared it's throat to begin.

_Billy Bob Joe was on a quest-_

"Hey, how come I'm the only one in this story with a name?" the annoying co-narrator asked, having decided to abandon the pony.

_The chibi and nurse have names. They're Molly and Maria._

"But you never call them Molly and Maria. You call them the chibi and the nurse. And you always call the chibi and it. You even call yourself an it. What's up with that?"

_Chibis and narrators are always its._

Okay."

_Billy Bob Joe was-_

"Why don't you talk with quotation marks like the rest of us?"

The narrator was suddenly a hundred feet tall and surrounded by flames.

_Because I'm the narrator! Will you shut up and let me tell the bloody story now?_

Seto, now about the size of a kitten, nodded mutely.

_Alright, Billy Bob Joe was on a quest for the Holy Quail. The Holy Quail was supposed to be a quail that was full of holes. Rumor had it that the one who possessed the Holy Quail was given strange and mysterious powers. So Billy Bob Joe gathered the knights of the kingdom together to discuss where they might find the Holy Quail. And that is where our story begins…_

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holy Quail?

Will the narrator be able to finish the story without more interruptions?

Will Seto Kaiba realize he has horrible fashion sense?

Find out next time!

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Two: Billy Bob Joe is Late to a Very Important Date

_Our hero, Billy Bob Joe, was planning a quest for the Holey Quail. Before he started out on his journey he decided to ask the advice of his father's knights. Then he would select the finest four and set out. There wasn't a lot of competition because our author is too lazy to make up a lot of characters._

The author appeared in a bathrobe holding a toothbrush.

"Could you begin the story without insulting me for once? I'm tired of yelling at you! You never listen to me anyways! You just don't appreciate how hard it is to write this stuff…" the author continued to rant, waving the toothbrush emphatically and getting toothpaste everywhere, as the narrator and the co-narrator, Seto Kaiba, edged away.

"I don't think she liked being called lazy," Seto said, a bit unnecessarily, while he avoided decapitation by the toothbrush.

_Well, she is. There are almost no characters and absolutely nothing happened in the last episode. It was incredibly pointless._

"Everything is pointless," said a girl wearing baggy black pants, cat ears and a black shirt that said Sara on it.

"Go away. You aren't a happy person," Seto told her. The girl looked at him and blinked.

"You're wearing a pink bunny suit," she said.

"I know. Isn't it absolutely gorgeous?" Seto asked. The girl started to laugh in a high-pitched, witch-y sort of way. The narrator hurried her away. When it returned, the narrator crossed it's fingers behind it's back.

_Alright, alright, our author isn't lazy._

"Now that's what I'm talking about! Gratitude! If only everyone else was as understanding as you…" The author patted the narrator's shoulder and wandered away, still waving the toothbrush.

_So Billy Bob Joe was headed for a meeting with the knights. Unfortunately, being a not-so-punctual hero, he was running late._

"Oh man, I'm running late! I never should have taken directions from that little black pig wearing the bandana!" Billy Bob Joe panted.

_The reader must understand that animals could talk in Burger Kingdom, where Billy Bob Joe lived. He hurried along the halls of the palace in Burgertopia, the capital._

"How come he doesn't know the way around his own palace?" Seto asked.

_I don't know. Ask him._

"Hey, mister! How come you don't know the way around your own palace? And what's the pig doing here?" Seto called out.

"Are you allowed to talk to the characters? Aren't you only supposed to narrate?" Billy Bob Joe replied.

"No, I'm the co-narrator. Emphasis on co. How come no one's ever heard of a co-narrator before?"

_Maybe 'cause there's no such thing?_

"There is too!" Seto stuck his lower lip out.

_Oh, stop it, you look like such a dork._

"Take that back," he whined. "Or I'll tell the author on you."

_You're such a tattle-tale._

Seto stuck out his tongue.

"Excuse me, people, but I'm the not-so-punctual hero. This story is supposed to be about me. Could we get back to me, please?" Billy Bob Joe asked in the over polite voice people use when they aren't really asking.

_He's got a point. This is the Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero. So Billy was hurrying down the hall-_

"Wait! He never answered my questions!" Seto howled.

_Fine, fine. Answer the questions or he'll never shut up._

Billy Bob Joe gritted his teeth, but answered them.

"I don't know why I don't know the way around my palace. It's a story; you just go with it. And the pig was there because the author put it there. Are you happy now?"

Seto pulled a lollypop out of the pocket of his bunny suit and began to lick very contentedly.

"Very. You may continue now." He waved a hand imperially at the narrator, who shook it's head and started off again.

_Billy Bob Joe hurried down the hall. The day had started well. He wasn't even late to breakfast. Then he had left for the meeting with the knights, which was to be held in the stables so that he and the four knights he chose to go with him could jump heroically into their saddles immediately. On the way, the Grand Poobah (the mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-man sort found in all good stories) stopped him for the time. Billy Bob Joe checked his state-of-the-art Rolex._

"It's eleven thirty-seven! I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!" Billy Bob Joe cried.

"My prince, what date is so important that you, Crown Prince William Robert Joseph, Heir to the Burger Kingdom, are so dread to miss it?" the Grand Poobah asked in an oily voice.

_He talked that way because that is how mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-men are supposed to speak; and he was very dedicated to his work._

"The queen wants to play croquette with flamingos and hedgehogs. Wait, that's next Saturday. Hold on, let me check my schedule."

_Billy Bob Joe pulled a little paisley book and a pair of spectacles out of his pocket. He scanned the book._

"Ah, yes, I have a meeting with my father's knights to plan our quest for the Holey Quail."

"You had best hurry, my prince. The meeting should have started exactly seven minutes and fifty-two seconds ago," the Grand Poobah said.

"Bye!" Billy Bob Joe called over his shoulder.

_He raced away at about 80 miles per hour, kicking up a large cloud of dust and being chased by Wile E. Coyote, who had mistaken him for the road runner. Behind him, the Grand Poobah laughed._

"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!" the Grand Poobah laughed.

"Hey, you weren't supposed to say that! You just interrupted the story! Just when it was getting good, too," Seto said. The author appeared again, still in the bathrobe, holding the toothbrush threateningly.

"Are you implying that it wasn't good before?" she asked. Seto cowered behind the narrator.

"No, ma'am," he said meekly.

"Good." The author nodded approvingly.

"Excuse me," interrupted the Grand Poobah, "but why wasn't I supposed to laugh? The narrator said 'the Grand Poobah laughed manically' and I did."

"But that's not how it works!" Seto yelled from behind the narrator.

_Guys, focus. We have to finish this episode. Billy Bob Joe was eleven and a half minutes late to his meeting and the Grand Poobah had discovered his plan to find the Holey Quail. The evil man had some plans for the young prince. What will happen to our not-so-punctual hero?_

Seto whacked the narrator on the head.

"You weren't supposed to say that! Now it sounds like some kind of soap opera!" he complained.

"Do I have to separate you two?" asked the author.

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

Will he ever actually get started on his quest?

What does the Grand Poobah have planned?

Find out next time!

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Three: Knights of the Hundred Pound Table

_Last time, on The-_

"Will you cut it out? This isn't a soap opera! Just tell the story!" yelled the co-narrator, Seto Kaiba, irritably. The narrator scowled at him.

_I'm trying to build suspense for the story. If you don't like it, go co-narrate somewhere else._

"Somewhere over the rainbow," Seto sang in a falsetto voice. The narrator rolled its eyes and continued.

_Billy Bob Joe was-_

"Hey, you know what's missing? Theme Music!" Seto started jumping up around like a kangaroo. Or Tigger, since that's what he was dressed as.

_Why do we need theme music?_

"Because we do! It'll increase readers! Our reviews will sky rocket! We'll all get paid more!"

"Really?" Billy Bob Joe stuck his head out of the dressing room door. "I'm calling my agent." He whipped out a sleek silver camera phone and speed dialed the agent. "Yeah, Mr. Bubbles? Look over my contract for pay raises. Ow!" Seto grabbed him by the ear and hauled him away. The narrator shrugged.

_Since we have no chance of being interrupted by my annoying co-narrator, I will continue. Billy Bob Joe-_

"Aie chiwahwah!" An eewok jumped out and started jabbering incoherently.

_Excuse me, what are you jabbering incoherently about?_

"Get this stupid thing off me! It itches!" howled the eewok. The narrator unzipped the costume. A young boy with a buzz cut wearing a shirt that said Ian stepped out.

_Um, hello. What were you doing in that eewok costume?_

"My sister paid me five bucks to wear it and appear in this story. Where's my gameboy?" The boy looked through the costumes pockets and pulled out a red Gameboy Advanced. He hit the power button and began a game.

_Okay, Billy B-_

"Aloha!" Seto had returned and was now wearing a Hawaiian shirt, flowered shorts and lei.

_Oh, you're back._

"Indeed, my friend. Now we must conduct auditions for a theme song."

_Do we have to? Couldn't we just tell the story?_

"Certainly not! Auditioners! Front and center, please!"

A line of people entered, including a curly haired girl in a polka dot dress with a badge reading Sofia. Seto pulled the narrator behind a table and forced him into a chair.

"Okay, who's up first? Would Mademoiselle Sofia step up?" Seto asked, scanning the group. The girl in the polka dot dress hurried forward. The narrator tipped its chair back.

"Fire away, dear." Seto mimicked the narrator's posture.

"♪Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped its head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said;

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

Nine little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped its head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said;

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

Eight little monkeys- ♪"

_Excuse me, but could you explain how this could be a theme song for the Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero?_

"Um, er, well, I-"

_Thought so. Get out, girl. You are the weakest link._

The girl raced away.

"Okay, next!" Seto called.

The boy in the eewok costume stepped forward and began to sing off key.

"♪ Sweet dreams are made of these

Who am I to disagree?

Travel the world and the seven seas

Everybody…♪"

Suddenly the boy turned around and threw a bottle (which had somehow miraculously appeared in his hand) at the ceiling.

"Oi! Why do I have to sing this stupid song?" he howled.

The booming voice of the author soon filled the room.

"Because I said so! And when I say so, it shall be done!"

Thunder and lightning crashed, and all the auditioners ducked under the table. A tornado whirled out of nowhere and swept them away, along with the eewok boy. The narrator and Seto calmly watched the spin around and around. They were soon joined by a farm house, a chicken coop, and a little girl squealing 'Auntie Em, Auntie Em!' in a high pitched voice. Then a scrawny boy in glasses appeared, flying on a broomstick.

"Boy! Hey you! Get down here!" Seto waved frantically at him. The boy landed beside then, apparently not at all disturbed by the natural disaster going on around them.

"Who are you? We booked the Wicked Witch of the West for this, not some midget with his head slashed open!"

"She's sick, practically green with flu. I'm Harry Potter, I'm subbing for her." The boy wiped his glasses on his long black robes.

"She's always green, but that's not the point! We had a contract!" Seto brandished a slip of paper under the boy's nose. The boy put his glasses back on, crossed his eyes, and read the note aloud.

"Dear Kaiba-boy; I have your little brother hostage. Surrender Kaiba Corp. to me or share his fate. Mwahahahaha. Sincerely, Maximillian Pegasus."

"Wha- oh no! Mokubaaaaaa!" Seto ran off. The narrator watched him go with a blank look on its face, and then turned back to the tornado situation.

_You can leave now, we won't be needing you anymore._

The narrator waved at the tornado, which disappeared along with the eewok boy, the auditioners, the house, the chicken coop, the screeching girl, and the boy on the broomstick. The narrator sat on the ground, struck a meditative pose, and took a deep, cleansing breath.

_Now we may continue our story. Without interruptions. At last. So Billy Bob Joe had been late to the meeting with his father's nights. They had a good many things to say to him._

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…" said Sir Nealen, Lord Meathead, drooling on the table. He was fast asleep.

"Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast," said Sir Friar, Duke Lawrence. He had also been late.

"You're panting like a dog," commented Sir Inu, Marquis Yasha. He was chewing on a dog treat.

"Ach, Gott in Himmel!" cried Sir Marten, Count Kroells. He was Billy Bob Joe's German cousin.

"WE ARE THE KNIGHTS OF THE 100 POUND TABLE!" they all roared.

_Thus the bold knights greeted their prince and prepared for the meeting to plan a long and perilous journey for the Holey Quail._

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

What will happen to the theme song idea?

Where in the world in Seto Kaiba?

Find out next time!

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Four: Return of the Chibi

_We're going to make this quick, before Seto Kaiba shows up. Billy Bob Joe is a prince of Burger Kingdom, William Robert Joseph, who is on a quest to find the Holey Quail. He is currently consulting his father's knights, the Knights of the 100 Pound Table. The Grand Poobah, his father's mystic, evil-right-hand-man, is also plotting to find the Holey Quail and use its awesome, yet unspecified, powers for his evil, yet unspecified, purposes. This is the point where my annoying 'co-narrator' would usually break in with some wise-acre comment, but he's not here, so-_

A man with long blonde hair and pointy ears stepped out.

"Hi, I'm Legolas. Seto Kaiba asked me to fill in for him today, since his soul is trapped in the Shadow Realm."

_How on earth did you talk to him then?_

The blonde man flushed scarlet and stuttered angrily. "That's not the point! The point it-"

Clouds formed above them and the author's face appeared. She did not look pleased with them.

"What are you doing here, Lego-boy? Where is Seto?" she boomed.

"Um-" the elf, shrunken to the size of an ant, whimpered. "He- he called in sick. I'm f-filling in."

"We liketh not the Lord of the Rings. Go away."

"B-but-"

"Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightening bolt," she said, waving cloud-arms about vaguely.

"Hey, I'm an elf, not a mortal!" he said irritably. The author sighed.

"Hephaestus, are those lightening bolts done yet?" she asked someone.

"She can't really do that, can she?" Legolas whispered nervously to the narrator, who shrugged.

_I don't know. She made a tornado in the last episode._

Legolas gave a frightened squeak and started to run. There was a flash of light and the narrator could have sworn it heard someone say "Pikachuuuuuu!" Then the smoke cleared, revealing a rather fried elf whose long hair was none too neat.

"Hey, you can't do this. I'm copyrighted material!" he squawked.

"So is half the stuff in this story. It doesn't matter. I'm not making money off it, so no one cares," said the author. "Now scat. We have to finish the story."

Legolas and the author-cloud vanished.

_Um, okay, that was a little freaky. So Billy Bob Joe was in a meeting with his father's knights to gain advice._

"My friends, a great darkness has fallen upon our fair kingdom. To com- you have a question, Sir Neal?" asked Billy Bob Joe.

"Yeah. Didn't the weather man predict a sunny day with highs in the 80's?" Sir Neal questioned. Sir Inu hit him over the head with the dog bone he had been chewing on. Sir Neal slumped forward, unconscious.

"He means metaphorically, my son," said Sir Friar, who hadn't noticed this.

"Ach, git on with it, will ya?" exclaimed Sir Martin.

"Right, right, indeed, my cousin. As I was saying, a great darkness has spread, er, fallen- well, you know. So to combat this evil I have decided to embark on a quest for the Holey Quail, taking with me the four greatest and most loyal knights in Burger Kingdom." Proclaimed Billy Bob Joe.

Sir Neal, who had at some point regained consciousness, frowned and began to count on his fingers. The others ignored him as Billy Bob Joe continued.

"So I ask you, Knights of the 100 Pound Table, for advice." He sat down and stared around the table. There was a long awkward pause with crickets chirping in the background. Then Sir Inu yawned noisily.

"Bring stuff?" he suggested. The others stared at each other and then asked, in unrehearsed unison, "Like what?"

"Stuff…um, balloons?" Sir Inu said.

"Yea, balloons!" cried Sir Neal. The others blinked stupidly.

"Monkeys?"

"Gritzwurtz!"

"Yahtzee!"

"Hot dogs!"

"Pwaydo!"

"Huh?"

All five of them turned to the chibi standing behind them.

"I want my pwaydo, pwease!" chirped the chibi. Sir Friar stared at it.

"Um, prince? What is that?"

"I'm not sure… let me check the previous episodes." Billy Bob Joe disappeared through a door behind him.

_Where's he going?_

"Eeek!" squealed Sir Neal in a high pitched, girly voice. "Who're you?"

The narrator looked at him irritably.

_I asked first. I'm the narrator, now silence._

Sir Neal shut his mouth rapidly and mimed locking it.

"I want my pwaydo pwease!" the chibi insisted, sounding less perky and more annoyed. Sir Inu pointed at it.

"He went to find what that… thing… is," he said. The narrator peered at it curiously.

_That is the chibi that was in episode one._

"Okay… How do we get rid of it?"

_Dunno._

They were interrupted by Billy Bob Joe's return.

"It's the chibi from episode one," he told them all.

"Yir too la'e, the narra'or already told us that." Sir Martin said. Billy Bob Joe looked crestfallen. The narrator coughed lightly.

_Ahem. We could just leave it. You five do have a quest to get on with._

"I WANT MY PWAYDO!" shrieked the chibi.

"Does anyone know what 'pwaydo' is?" Billy Bob Joe whispered.

"Nope." The Knights of the 100 Pound Table responded together soundly.

"Okay…" Billy Bob Joe dug in his pockets and came up with an old gum wrapper. Her offered it to the chibi, who took it, looking curious.

"Alright, alright, you have your, er, Pwaydo. We're leaving now." They all jumped into their saddles and galloped off without any of the stuff they had discussed bringing. The chibi burst into tears upon the discovery that the gum wrapper was not the missing 'pwaydo'.

_Oh, hush. Here's your playdo._

The narrator handed it a canister of playdo.

"Pwaydo!" The chibi took the offering and skipped happily away.

_On the one hand, Billy Bob Joe and the Knights of the 100 Pound Table have finally started out on their quest for the Holey Quail. On the other, I have to finish up this episode on my own. Sooo… the Grand Poobah is plotting against our not-so-punctual hero. Yup, that's it, unless we can zap ourselves to wherever Billy Bob Joe went._

"I can so that!" the author-cloud reappeared. The narrator looked up at the sky nervously.

_That'd be great, but we're kinda out of space on the paper, so good-bye, audience members. Leave before the author goes psycho and squashes us all with some natural disaster._

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

Where does the author's power over the weather come from?

What will the Knights do without their stuff?

Find out next time!

The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Five: The Great Disclaimer

_Hello. I'm back, the author and Seto Kaiba are no where to be found-_

"Hiya! Did ya miss me?"

_I spoke too soon._

Seto Kaiba, the co-narrator, entered wearing a violently purple tutu and tailed by a short kid with what looked like a black mop on his head.

"This is my little brother, Mokuba. He's the new co-co-narrator."

_Oh, cocoa sounds good right now. I'll take a Chocolate Supreme with marshmallows, whipped cream, and cinnamon._

"Ya know, that's a lot of calories," Mokuba said.

_True. On second thought, hold the whipped cream._

Seto coughed politely.

"As delicious as I'm sure cocoa would be at the moment, we have a story to do. So Billy Bob Joe and the four Knights of the 100 Pound Table were-"

_Shut up, that's my job! So Billy Bob Joe and the four Knights of-_

"You know, we never did settle the matter of a theme song."

_Not this again! No theme song! I forbid it!_

The author appeared dressed in a robe with a paper clown, holding a chewed up pencil like a scepter. The narrator and Seto ducked to avoid any unnatural disasters that might accompany her. Mokuba just blinked a few times and whistled Yankee Doodle out of tune.

"I do the forbidding around here! This is my story and I am the author so do as I command! Now, about the theme song…"

"Officer, arrest this author! She is using copyrighted material!"

Legolas had reappeared with a police officer and John Edwards.

"What are you doing here? This isn't in the script!" yelled Seto.

_This thing actually has a script?_

"Actually, it doesn't. Now officer and pointy-eared leprechaun…"

"I am not a leprechaun! I'm an elf! Elf!" howled Legolas.

"My client claims you are using copyrighted material without a disclaimer. This is illegal and we intend to take you to court." John Edwards interjected.

"Aren't you supposed to be running as John Kerry's V.P?" Mokuba asked.

"Yes, but this is such a good case. She's used over 20 references to copyrighted material and stuff she doesn't own without a disclaimer."

_So if she leaves a disclaimer you'll leave us alone to finish the story?_

"Yes, However…" John Edwards snapped his fingers and the officer duct taped the authors mouth shut.

"Hey, you can't do that!" screamed Mokuba.

"This is a violation of our author's free speech!" howled Seto.

_We can't finish the story without her!_

"Mmmf!" the author mumbled.

"Okay, read her her rights and we can get on with this," said Legolas. The officer read the rights in fast-forward so it sounded like he had inhaled a lot of helium. All of the sudden they were in a court room.

"Will the court please come to order?" asked the judge. It was Sesshomaru. He had refused to wear the wig, but it didn't matter since his hair was white anyways.

"Mm, mm m mo mm m mmif mmr m mmer," the author said behind the tape.

_What the heck is she saying?_

"I can speak Muffled-By-Duct-Tape-Authorese!" called Seto. "She says 'Ah, now I know who to pick for my lawyer'."

"So, who does she pick?" asked Mokuba.

"Mmn."

"She picks Rin," Seto translated.

Rin suddenly appeared in the court room. Instead of her kimono, she wore a black power suit and stilettos.

"Hi, Rin! Wanna go play?" Mokuba asked, smiling.

"Dure! First I gotta make the case, though."

"Hey! Prosecution always goes first!" Legolas shouted.

"Alright, hurry it up." Sesshomaru sighed.

"This author is using copyrighted material…" John Edwards started to say, but Rin interrupted him.

"I object!"

"On what grounds?" Sesshomaru asked.

"He's a big meanie!" Rin whined. Sesshomaru sweat-dropped.

"Oh, cool, can I do that?" Mokuba asked.

"Of course you can, you're an anime character aren't you? Now be quiet or we'll get in trouble," Seto whispered.

"Okay, Edwards-san, please continue."

"Well, she has used lots of copyrighted material; both Kaiba boys, Harry Potter, Tigger, Ryoga in pig form, Gameboy, Neal, Playdo, Inuyasha…"

"Wait a minute, Inuyasha's here?"

_Not here here, but he's in the story. He plays one of the knights._

"We must finish this quickly so that I may challenge him. Get on with it."

"…and others, in addition to references to Star Wars, Alice in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz."

"Okay, first, hang her. Then behead her. Then put her head on the Tower Gate where it will be eaten by maggots. Can I go now?" asked Sesshomaru.

"Sesshy-sama, it's Rin's turn now!" Rin wailed.

"Alright, go ahead."

"Rin likes author lady," Rin said, pulling The Dreaded Puppy-Dog Eyes.

"Rin…"

"Please Sesshy-sama?" she begged, adding the wobbling lip.

"Riiiiiin….Okay, what do you want?"

"Let author lady do disclaimer and give her a fine."

"Fine. Do the disclaimer, wench."

"Mm mm mm mmm…"

"Wait, it has to be in English. Someone take the duct tape off."

"I'll do it!" Mokuba screamed and ripped the tape off the author's mouth.

"Ow! Jeez, Mokuba, a little warning? Oh, right, disclaimer. So, I do not own anything in this story that is copyrighted. I also don't own the chibi, the nurse, the unhappy girl in episode two, or Sofia, also from episode two. They are all my friends and go by the names on their shirts. I don't own the eewok boy, but he's not a friend, he's my little brother. Friar Lawrence, a.k.a Sir Friar, isn't copyrighted, but I don't own him. He rightfully belongs to Shakespeare, although some think he just copied all his work from somebody else. The only people I truly and fully own in this story are the narrator…"

_Oh joy._

"…Billy Bob Joe and the Grand Poobah. Anyone else does not belong to me. Everybody got that? Me don't own, you don't sue."

"Fine, gimme the money," Legolas demanded. The author handed him a bag of gold coins. Legolas, John Edwards, Sesshomaru and Rin vanished.

"Didn't you mind giving up all of that money?" Seto asked.

"No. It was just leprechaun gold anyways. He's a pointy-eared little leprechaun, so he should be able to use it." Seto and Mokuba sweat-dropped.

_I've got to learn how to do that._

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

Will Legolas find out about the gold?

Will the narrator learn to sweat-drop?

Find out next time!


End file.
